When Compelled to Lie

My wife is getting so exasperated with friends and family trying to convince her to take the vaccine that she's tempted to lie. That's sometimes the right strategy, so I'm not telling her not to. However, there's a right way and a wrong way to lie.

The wrong way is to make up a story in which the other person has no connection. That leads only to more questions. The story becomes big and complicated, and there's no way to shut the other person up. If the other person senses the lie, things can get ugly. But if the other person is dragged firmly into the lie, things are at once much simpler. There's a reluctance to dig deeper. The topic in question may even become taboo.

I've done this on several occasions. So far with the desired results, and I expect this situation to persist into the future because of the way I implicate my friends into my lies.

When asked about my vaccine status, I start with an hones answer. I tell them why I'm sceptical, which by now is easy due to the mountains of evidence against the vaccine. That in itself is often enough to shut up vaccine zealots. However, they may nevertheless persist, and that's when the lying begins. I let myself be won over by their superior insight and knowledge. Then I tell them that I'm going to get myself vaccinated as soon as possible. I excuse myself as ignorant and lazy. I'll tell them how fearful I am of needles. But I will nevertheless do this. It's important, and there really isn't anything to worry about.

This is as far as I've been forced to go with my lies. No-one has come to check on my wellbeing, and I don't expect to be confronted by my vaccine zealot friends anytime soon. One reason for this is that I'm sure that at least one of them has by now reached the denial phase. He was very pushy about the vaccine back in February, but has since changed his tune. I'm sure he's full of regrets and in no mood to hear what trouble I might have had with the vaccine. That would make him even more guilt-ridden than he already is.

However, in the event that I'm confronted about my vaccine status by a friend who pushed me into lying, I'll tell them my mother's story. First, my vaccinated arm got limp for a few hours. Two days later, I lost all strength in my legs for a couple of hours. It was frightening, but I'm all right. Nothing to worry about.

The aim of this is to make my friends shut up and stop nosing around. There's no point in rubbing it in as far as the guilt goes. But I have no patience with self appointed experts. If they pressure me to the point where I feel compelled to lie, I'll do it in such a way that they'll regret the episode ever took place.

The recipe is simple. Start off with some words of truth. Follow this up with feigned conviction to go along with whatever is proposed. Make sure that everybody knows that we're only going along with the proposal due to their persistence. No-one must be able to tell us that there was no pressure from them. Present them subsequently with a horror story in which they play a vital but unspoken role. At no point is there any blame dished out to anyone. The guilt is to be owned entirely by the intruder. Subtle reminders of the damage inflicted may be in order from time to time to keep friends in line. The lie can be expanded to include long term damage, but only if required in order to hammer in guilt.

There's no need to complicate this. People aren't likely to cross-reference stories, so the lie told to one friend can be repeated without alterations to others. In the off chance that someone discovers that my story is told to more than one person, I can still make it coherent. I was swayed by the combined argument of the two. I never blamed any one person of anything. The guilt is vague enough to go around to all of my pushy friends. That's how generous I am.

I'm not with friends or colleagues on a daily basis, so I've had no trouble with this strategy. However, the general principle holds in all cases. It's only the lie that has to change. Peer pressure at work can be met with feigned capitulation after much debate. The peers are to own our decision 100%. Only then do we go along with their suggestion. After this, we call in sick with various ailments over the next few days. 

Follow this up with generosity towards our boss. Take out a week or two of vacation to recuperate our strengths. Come back with a brave smile. It was a hell of a ride, but we're fine. If people start nosing around, mention some strange long term effect, such as Tinnitus or Narcolepsy. Tell them how we find it difficult to sleep at night. Ask if others have the same problems. Engage them in long debates related to the long term effects of the vaccines.

The lie should only be expanded upon when necessary. Never make the lie bigger than it needs to be. Once people are so guilt-ridden that they shut up, we're home free. We can look for better employment. When that's secured and we're firmly established with a new boss, our ailments can disappear, never to surface again.

Out with friends