The Problem With Insistent Advise

My mother in law is going to get her vaccine shot. She had initially decided against it, but her oldest son talked her into getting it anyway, so my wife will take her mother up to the local health centre tomorrow. Neither my wife nor I are getting into any arguments. We know that only about 5% get any adverse reactions. More likely than not, nothing bad will happen.

This is the same attitude I had to my parents' decision to get their shots, and the fact that my mother had an unpleasant experience has not changed my mind. The reason for this is not indifference. Rather, it's based on a simple insight: If we promote our preferences too forcefully, we get tied to the outcome in an unfavourable way.

Let's say we talked my mother in law out of taking the vaccine. It would no longer be her original decision made on her own, nor would it be the decision made under pressure from her son. It would be our decision imposed on her. If she subsequently gets a bad case of modern day plague, it would be partially our fault. Insistence on our part translates in this way into responsibility, and it has a lopsided effect. If nothing bad happens, no praise is earned. However, if something bad happens, we get the blame, and we blame ourselves.

On a more sinister level, our insistence can be used against us in a passive aggressive manner. It allows the person in question to push responsibility over on us. My mother in law is notorious for her indecisions, likely out of a desire to avoid responsibilities for her own actions. She prefers to have others make decisions for her, and we simply don't want to get dragged into this type of mind game.

As things stand, it's my brother in law who'll take the brunt of any blame if something bad happens. I think he was foolish in insisting on her taking the vaccine, but I won't blame him if things go wrong. However, this is not up to me alone. Others may see things differently, including himself.

Smallpox vaccine

By Photo Credit: James Gathany Content Providers(s): CDC - This media comes from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's Public Health Image Library (PHIL), with identification number #2674. Note: Not all PHIL images are public domain; be sure to check copyright status and credit authors and content providers. Deutsch | English | македонски | slovenščina | +/−, Public Domain, Link