Don't Try to Convince Anybody Through Arguments

No-one ever changed their views radically by listening to other people's arguments. It just doesn't happen, so it's a waste of time to try. It's annoying to hear people vent opinions that we disagree with. It's no less annoying for others to hear our side of the argument.

This is especially true on social media, and the reason I'm keeping my distance from such platforms. I don't like to hear my friends say stupid things, and I'm sure they don't like to hear my side of the argument either. Even that which comes across as glaringly obvious to me has a tendency to annoy others, so I've stopped posting my views on Facebook. I've also stopped posting life style related stuff, because that's just as annoying. People don't generally like to see people having fun in the sun while locked up in an office somewhere.

However, this doesn't mean that we shouldn't vent our opinions when there's an opportunity for this. The point is not to be silent but to be convincing, and that is best done in a relaxed atmosphere of acceptance where we say what we think without any concern about other people's reaction. Others can then choose to entertain our ideas, or they can choose to reject them. It's up to them. Trying to persuade people is a lost cause. On the other hand, allowing them to think it over works very well.

People like to make up their own minds. We like to seek information without any pressure to accept or reject. Arguments are tiring. However, reading a well written blog post can be enjoyable, even if we reject its conclusion. It makes us think. It helps us form better opinions about things. Then we can vent those improved opinions at some other time, thereby elevating the discussion over time.

To be successful in our communication, it's important to be honest. It's also important to be successful in our own way. Nobody with any kind of influence wants to listen to some loser ranting about systemic unfairness on Facebook. Only idiots take advice from people with no skin in the game. Rants and poorly thought out schemes are for losers. Winners lead by example. We live the change we want to see. We are successful in our own way, which proves to others that we are onto something.

I'm the mad uncle who flipped and moved to Portugal to live with a woman I came across on the web. I'm sure no-one took me or my wife very seriously. However, here we are ten years on, doing just fine. We're not wildly successful. But we're not failures either. We live the way we want, and that is to us success.

This has caused people with similar views to ours to come to us for advise. Again, we share with them what we think, but we're not pushing anything. We're not desperately trying to win anybody over. On the contrary, we frequently caution people. My wife and I are in a special situation. Our lifestyle isn't a cut an paste thing. Others have to find out for themselves what sort of changes they can make, and what chances they are willing to take. I don't want anyone coming back to me, telling me how I messed up their life with my bad advice.

This is why I didn't try to persuade my parents out of taking the vaccine. I knew full well that they were eager to get it, especially with all the freedoms that would be returned to them from our good politicians. But I didn't bring it up once in our phone calls leading up to their uncomfortable ordeal. That would only have served to upset them. I would have caused them needless anxiety, and they would no doubt have taken the vaccine anyway. Much better then to talk about other things.

I'm pretty sure my parents think of me as the clever one that failed. But I think they're now suspecting that I might be less of a failure than they've feared. They were quite eager to share their vaccine ordeal with me last time we spoke, and they were receptive to my ideas. However, when I told them I'm not planning to take it myself, my mother was shocked by my lack of solidarity. I should take it out of solidarity to everybody else, she argued. Rather than pointing out the flaw in that logic, I told her that I'm not much of a collectivist. I don't do things out of solidarity. I'm the evil selfish one, always looking out for myself and my family.

I don't think my mother liked that last bit of straight talking. But my father got the message. He will undoubtedly resist the pressure to be vaccinated again in the future. His son in Portugal might not be as mad as he once feared. I might even be considered a bit of a success in my own way.

Evil and selfish me enjoying a cup of coffee