Wear Your Mask

Portugal must be one of the best places in the world to live when it comes to climate. Temperatures stay mostly in a pleasant range between 15C and 30C. The weather is generally sunny, but not so dry that plants shrivel up. Everywhere, there are green plants and flowers. Portugal is something of a paradise, which makes it all the more irritating that politicians in this country have mandated mask-wearing. They're like the snake in paradise, always ready to make a mess of what would otherwise be a perfect place.

But I've found a way around the whole mask-wearing thing. By being simultaneously loud and ambiguous, I can go around with my nose sticking out above my mask. I'm loudly eccentric in my dandy outfit, and I'm ambiguous as to what I think privately about the mask. A random stranger has no way of telling if I'm militantly for the mask, and that it merely slipped by mistake, or if I'm cheating on the rules.

This I know because people walking past me have a tendency to put their masks on properly as they come closer to me. Their behaviour is that of someone approaching a hobby fascist, and seeking to stay out of trouble.

The great thing about this is that real hobby fascists probably think the same when they pass me. Only too late do they realize that I'm a cheat, and that they've been conned. Furthermore, professional fascists employed by the state to enforce the mask-wearing mandate are equally confused and uncomfortable at the sight of me.

Police cars have lately been equipped with signs that command the plebes to put on their masks. I came across one such car today, parked next to the sidewalk, and I pulled my mask up as a matter of course. I looked into the car to see if I could spot the police officers to see their reaction to my eccentric style of clothing. The guy in the drivers seat looked up from his smartphone and over at me, and his reaction was delightful. He looked away instinctively, as if thoroughly intimidated by me. So there I am, walking the streets of Porto with more authority than the police themselves.

Further evidence to support the impression I have that the police has become demoralized is the fact that a guy was hanging out in a doorway, less than three metres away from the police car, wearing no mask and simply minding his own business. Nobody's taking the police serious any more, not even the police themselves.

Loud and ambiguous